Whenever I’m trying to habit-change, I take long, persistent looks at what the original habit is truly costing me.

I think addiction is on a spectrum, and that anything you can’t control is likely to eventually cause harm. If i both “want” and “don’t want” something on equal levels, you live in constant conflict inside your own head. That sounds like anxiety. Something I’m trying to *lessen* in my life, and ironically one of my primary reasons that it freaks me out to stop drinking alcohol. “Alcohol makes the anxiety go away”… Ok, sure, but apparently not. You need more words when you are battling inside of your own head. Alcohol makes the anxiety go away for a half hour right when i drink it, but it causes *additional* anxiety through its absence the entire rest of the time. Net loss.

So part of me *knows*, and has known for an awfully long time, that alcohol is bad for my body. I *feel* it, it is an undeniable empirical observation of my own experience once I tried to see it objectively. Independent from what science proves or asserts. So the thinking part of me knows that i want to drink less than I do, but I’m constantly *craving* and longing for this thing that I know I shouldn’t have. I plan and look forward to the next time I can rationalize or justify having more.

I’m *tired* of living this way. I already discovered an uncannily-similar addiction/craving scenario with sugar. I am very sugar-addicted. When I’m on it, it preoccupies my thoughts. I’m keenly aware of exactly how much I have left to enjoy of something, and i will consume it as quickly as my Rules will permit me. … and most importantly, it torments me all the while. Because it is never enough. For near-decades, I believed that this was just “me” or my genetics. Something unchangeable. And getting *off* sugar is super hard – because you have to hold strong with willpower while the ‘addiction’ component within the body wears off. But it does and it will. It can’t not. Our bodies are continually adapting to us, evolving. If we give different inputs, it will adapt. But adaption is not instantaneous, hence, the holding strong.

For me and sugar nowadays, it lasts about a week pretty intensely, and then drops off steadily. Of course, that is all dependent on “how deep I went”. The sooner you catch it, the easier it is to stop its momentum.

But that knowledge is HUGE – because what I LEARNED, that shocked me the most, is there was a sort of utopia on the other side… This *thing*, that had so much control over me, that I was powerless to ignore, got really, really quiet. … It was peaceful there. I had thought I ‘could never’ give up sugar because of the joy it gave me. Eating is an exquisite pleasure. Yet what I discovered was that the joy caused in those fleeting moments did not add up against the long durations *when not eating it* and I was held in a conflict about wanting more of it. I could not, for example, ever “forget” i had cookies or chocolate or whatever in the pantry. You can’t forget about something your mind is always tracking on some level. And always tracking something on some level is *exhausting*.

I was truly surprised there was a way to live without that “noise” always going on in the background. Of not having what I want. But it turns out 80% of why I was wanting it was only because I was *having* it, and if i stopped *having* it, that part drops away, into glorious peace and silence.

The other 20% is where the “maintenance” comes in. We are SURROUNDED by sugar. It is advertised to us heavily and is everywhere we go. It is accepted and encouraged in society. And no doubt, these things are DELICIOUS. But, what’s the cost? That 80% misery of never being satisfied.

So eventually I decide to do it anyway – my birthday week or whatever – when I want to “spoil” myself. And sure enough, I can notice now when the trigger flips. And that is NOT to say I should never do that either or label it as ‘wrong’ – it means that I want to have the CHOICE, rather than being in eternal inner conflict. Sometimes, I say “bring it on”, full KNOWING that I’ll have to “do the work” and “hold strong with willpower” until it wears off again. But, it’s easier than before, because I know I CAN, because I UNDERSTAND the dynamics of that in the body, and that it will not last forever. And that giving IN to that craving and putting it into my body is actually the very thing that PERPETUATES the craving cycle… which I find to be exhausting.

But I had to go through that cycle a few times for me to really “see” it.

And the way I see it now, it doesn’t vary that much from the problem I’m having with alcohol. Regardless of drinking “in moderation”, or even less than others around me, *I’m* sick of being in inner conflict with a craving that is relentless. And using what I learned from sugar, I can have *faith* that, if I give my body and brain and life time to adapt, that there will be a clearing on the other side that doesn’t *feel* nearly so hard to make the choices that I know would feel better physically for me. And that that *peace*, from that battle and inner-deliberation and negotiating, is perhaps an even better benefit than the actual physical benefits that prompted me to start questioning it in the first place.

And what are those?

Science shows that alcohol affects sleep and temperature regulation. My personal experience echoes that. I sleep like crap and I go from hot to cold and back constantly. I vividly know this for the “night-of” the drinking, but I’m less aware of what the “long tail” effect of that might be, cumulatively speaking.

Not even talking about a “hangover”, but even from one or two drinks I can get headaches, nausea, plus fatigue and general ickiness. I feel like a lead weight.

A super-informative video I discovered covers ALLL the effects, if you’re interested, check out What Alcohol Does to Your Body, Brain & Health. Very illuminating.

And what are the *actual* costs that YOU are paying? For that thing you can’t live without because it makes you so happy. If you were being honest… (My advice, if you are trying to cut back, is to observe it in yourself over time, and really try to be honest. Try to take longer breaks and see what feels different. Start experiments and observe. )

I claim my body and my health are SO important to me. I’ve done SO much to help it, to try to love it. Yet I continue to do this, well, up till now. I wanna see what its like on the other side. To give it up so indefinitely as to no longer plan for it in the present moment.

And i think that’s important. I did a 3-month break before. And I was super-proud of that, as is good to be. But I was always “planning” to go back to right where i started. So it is different mindset.

Yet, the idea of giving it up *forever* freaks me out and brings down resistance all around it. I can *feel* it because it is so visceral. Like it makes your back arch and hair stand up on end like cat. People freak out when you threaten to take away their addictions. I know I do. That, alone, is all the proof I need that I’m having an “addiction” problem… because why would I react that way if I didn’t? And can I really convince myself any longer that this relationship of addiction isn’t having a negative effect the whole rest of the time in my life, not just when I’m trying to negotiate with myself about needing to cut back.

But what’s interesting is, regardless of the fear and impossibility it triggers within me when “threatened” to “not drink”, I know I felt the same way with similar intensity when I first was giving up sugar. Yet now, even when I’m “back on it”, it is easier to stop, because I’ve been there, to the other side. Basic exposure therapy.

So, I know that it is entirely possible that alcohol could be the exact same way. I bet everyone has different Threshold Volumes for different trigger foods/drinks. Maybe for me alcohol will be the same as sugar, where I can carefully let a little in for special occasions, as long as I’m aware for when the “compulsion flips” and it becomes less of a choice. Or maybe for alcohol it will be even more sensitive, and it turns out to just not be worth the amount of “hold strong with willpower” until it wears off again. I won’t be able to find out until I first get to the other side where calibration to zero is. It is also possible I find that I don’t even want it anymore, this thing that feels like a poison in my body. It’s possible.

I’d even go so far as to say it sounds “plausible” – because when I really look at the realities and the costs of the fleeting moments, the math just doesn’t add up of why I keep it as part of my one great, precious, brilliant life (to quote Kris Carr 😉 ).